When He Went Away…

Hey, I dunno what flashed thru my mind so I feel that I have to write some words. Ok, this is surprising perhaps because I write in English which usually in Bahasa. I just donno actually, these latest days my passion in speaking English is going up. Am I influenced by the sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S? It could be like that because I’m totally in line that what we are is what we watch, haha. Yeah, I feel madly loving that sitcom as I told you before in the previous postings.
Yeah, I admit that this sixth semester could be hard for me because I feel something ‘new’. What is the new? I feel something that I have never felt before. First, I’m very stressful of some assignment. Second, it can be said that I loose my self-esteem, my identity, my confidence because some kinda called friendship. Friends come and go. Yeah, that’s friendship. And I’ve told you before about this, sorry for the repetition.
Probably, this thing that I haven’t told you before. I begin with the question, “what would you do if there’s someone asking you for dating?” It could be easily answered by two simple answers; yes or not, accept or ignore. What about this question, “what would you do if your best friend asks you for dating?” I guess that it’s hard to be answered. And that’s what I’m feeling right now. I just can’t believe that fact. We (me and him) are usually together in some opportunities, especially in doing sports like jogging and playing tennis. He is very kind, down to earth, and patient. He’s always there when I need his help and as well as I try to be helpful when he wants me to translate some articles for his assignment. We help each other, we talk, we jog, and we share out our secret world. He shared with me when he broke up with his girl friend who is my friend also and I tell him when I get trouble with my friends and assignment.
I just can figure this out when he said, “I love you.” I think that it’s a joke, yes I ensure myself that is a joke. But, it’s no longer a joke when he came over to my dormitory and said directly in a serious situation, face to face. I’m frozen at that time just wondering am I in a dream? No, I’m in the real life. The answer? I cannot accept him because we are friends, or it can be mentioned ‘best friend’. I think it could be weird and crappy if we are dating. After weighing up, I think that keeping our friendship is much better for us. Not for us actually, because I looked into his eyes that he was very down. I’m very sorry because I just don’t love you and it can’t be forced that I should love him. I can’t.
The days after that ‘incident’, we still sent sms sometimes he called me up and we still jog. And I’m happy because he could accept my decision and we still get along as friend. However, sometimes, he was very down and drunk. I just can’t help him because all he wanted is me as a lover not a friend only. No I can’t. I try to tell him my reasonable reason and I hope he can accept it. There’s something that I am afraid of. I just don’t want this situation break our friendship, big hope it won’t.
Yet, that thing that I’m afraid of, happened. Today, I met him when I’m on my way to the campus stadium, Bumi Siliwangi. We just said “hey” not too much talking. He went away, and so did I. Until now, no sms from him instead days ago he always encouraged and motivated me to face this ordered life and keep smiling. I just want to ask, why this same thing always happen to me? When I got nice friend, it will not be longer because of this. Actually, I have many friends but not all of them can’t understand my craziness and sadness. Sometimes, life is unfair.
*backsound: “when you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need…”
Hey, I just can’t sleep now. I just want to talk, talk, and talk. But it would be awkward if I having monolog at this time. It will emerge people’s interpretation of me. Probably, they think that I’m crazy, yeah I admit that I’m ‘crazy’. But I remember when a friend of mind said that having monolog is normal. I agree with her because sometimes, people need to have monolog in order to understand themselves. I just don’t know dude….hay what should I do in this very late night and early morning? Assignment ? DONE!!! Praying, I have done it also! Instead, I tomorrow will have a busy day. Yeah Monday will always be hectic in everywhere, everywhere! I’m moody person perhaps because now my passion in writing is highly boosted now, instead yesterday it was zero desired to type some letters though. I’m listening to some songs of coldplay. It has great songs, for uncounted times, I thank you Dita Andanawari, you always give me nice songs to be listened!
This thing came thru my mind suddenly; I’m thinking now getting my self at the beach. Wow, that sounds very tempting. I really crave that I cruise by a boat, not a fancy boat just a simple boat. Doing kind of fishing and swimming also. Not forgetting to bring a guitar and play some Jason Mraz and John Mayer songs. Tasting a fresh and sweet -just-has-been-caught barracuda and blue marlin is my tempting dream. Ok, I think I want to read some books before sleeping. See you!